Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
