my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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