I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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