I wish you could order shots online.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
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