My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Of course I have a pirate flag
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
