Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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