Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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