She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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