Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
