Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
