mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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