I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
