if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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