I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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