woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
