At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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