sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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