he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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