I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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