Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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