New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
