He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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