A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
