I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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