Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
