If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
