I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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