i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
