Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
