Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
