tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Drunk is not a location!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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