It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
