Your face is a jimmy john
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize