Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
