Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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