I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
