If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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