Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
