well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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