There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
