Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize