I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize