The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Randomize
