I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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