I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
