No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
