she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
