Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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