Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize