i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
then he tried to convert me to islam
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
