I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
