Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
