can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
