After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
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