her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
