new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
