Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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