Best friends brother. Beat that.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
