Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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