dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
