my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
