I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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