I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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