My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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