Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
