I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
