it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
