I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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