I heard we made out
i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
